Physics Jokes

Physics Jokes

As told by Hawking

Units

   Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
 
   2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
 
   1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope
 
   Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1
   bananosecond
 
   Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram
 
   Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour:
   Knot-furlong
 
   365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling:
   1 lite year
 
   16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling
 
   Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
 
   1000 aches: 1 kilohurtz
 
   Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower
 
   Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line.
   (think about it for a moment)
 
   453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake
 
   1 million microphones: 1 mega-phone
 
   1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles
 
   2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds (work on it....)
 
   10 cards: 1 decacards
 
   1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton
 
   1000 cubic centimeters of wet socks: 1 literhosen
 
   1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche
 
   1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin
 
   10 rations: 1 decoration
 
   100 rations: 1 C-ration
 
   2 monograms: 1 diagram
 
   8 nickels: 2 paradigms

The Trouble With Units....

     A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a
     complete checkup.  Afterward the doctor comes out with the results.

     "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says.  "You're
     dying and you don't have much time left."

     "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man.  "How long have I got?"

     "Ten," the doctor says sadly.

     "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what?  Months?  Weeks?  What?"

     "Nine..."

The trouble with vectors...

     Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a zebra.
     A: Elephant zebra * (sin(theta)).

     Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a mountain climber.
     A: You can't do that.  A mountain climber is a scalar.

Charges...

     An atom walks into a bar and asks if anyone has seen
     his electron. The bartender says no, and asks the atom if he's sure his
     electron is missing.

     Yes, says the atom, I'm positive.

Circuits...

   A little old lady is on a train, buying a ticket from the train conductor,
   fumbling in a large bag for correct change. After 15 minutes the conductor
   becomes so enraged that he hits her on the head with the ticket-dispenser,
   and the poor old lady dies instantly.

   Not surprisingly, he is convicted and put on death row. His last wish is
   for 12Lbs. of bananas, which he devours. They strap him in the chair, flip
   the switch, and he just sits there, smiling.

   According to tradition, this is considered a reprieve from God and he is
   freed. Somehow he gets his old job back, and he is happily dispensing
   tickets when he sees a girl stick her gum on the back of a seat on the
   train. Enraged, he lunges out with the ticket dispenser, breaking the
   offender's neck and killing her.

   Again, he is convicted and sent to death row. He again eats 12 Lbs. of
   bananas, and lo and behold, the electricity does not harm him.
   This time the executioner cleans the contacts, and makes him sit in a
   bucket of water, he tries everything - but the conductor won't die. So
   again he is set free.

   Amazingly he regains his job. It takes him 1 day to lose his temper and
   beat to death a young boy who starts to chew his train ticket.

   He returns to death row, eats the bananas, and survives the electrocution.
   At this point, the executioner can take no more - his professional pride
   has been hurt. Before setting him free again, he asks him his secret,
   "what is it with the bananas?"

   "Oh, the bananas have nothing to do with it", replies the criminal. "I'm
   just a bad conductor."


Last updated October 24, 2000.
Steve Liebling (home)