As told by Hawking
Units:
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi 2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton 1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite year 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon 1000 aches: 1 kilohurtz Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line. (think about it for a moment) 453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake 1 million microphones: 1mega-phone 1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles 2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds (work on it....) 10 cards: 1 decacards 1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton 1000 cubic centimeters of wet socks: 1 literhosen 1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche 1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin 10 rations: 1 decoration 100 rations: 1 C-ration 2 monograms: 1 diagram 8 nickels: 2 paradigms
The Trouble With Units....
A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a
complete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results.
"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're
dying and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor says sadly.
"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?"
"Nine..."
The trouble with vectors...
Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a zebra.
A: Elephant zebra * (sin(theta)).
Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a mountain climber.
A: You can't do that. A mountain climber is a scalar.
Charges...
An atom walks into a bar and asks if anyone has seen
his electron. The bartender says no, and asks the atom if he's sure his
electron is missing.
Yes, says the atom, I'm positive.
Circuits...
A little old lady is on a train, buying a ticket from the train conductor, fumbling in a large bag for correct change. After 15 minutes the conductor becomes so enraged that he hits her on the head with the ticket-dispenser, and the poor old lady dies instantly. Not surprisingly, he is convicted and put on death row. His last wish is for 12Lbs. of bananas, which he devours. They strap him in the chair, flip the switch, and he just sits there, smiling. According to tradition, this is considered a reprieve from God and he is freed. Somehow he gets his old job back, and he is happily dispensing tickets when he sees a girl stick her gum on the back of a seat on the train. Enraged, he lunges out with the ticket dispenser, breaking the offender's neck and killing her. Again, he is convicted and sent to death row. He again eats 12 Lbs. of bananas, and lo and behold, the electricity does not harm him. This time the executioner cleans the contacts, and makes him sit in a bucket of water, he tries everything - but the conductor won't die. So again he is set free. Amazingly he regains his job. It takes him 1 day to lose his temper and beat to death a young boy who starts to chew his train ticket. He returns to death row, eats the bananas, and survives the electrocution. At this point, the executioner can take no more - his professional pride has been hurt. Before setting him free again, he asks him his secret, "what is it with the bananas?" "Oh, the bananas have nothing to do with it", replies the criminal. "I'm just a bad conductor."